FWD:
by IceCrome
Summary: Hidan is unnerving and everybody tries not to strangle him. AU. OOC. Two-shot.
1. FWD:

_I have an odd affinity for AU Akatsuki fanfics and I don't know why. _

_© To Kishimoto the Sasuke lover._

_I have been reading waaaaay too much of ohwhatsherface's stuff. So yeah, this is STRIKINGLY SIMILAR to one of her stories._

_And they're e-mailing back and forth on school computers. Not texting._

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To:Katsu  
From:JashinLover321

Homo,

Your boy-toy is giving me the evil eye again. What the fuck did I do this time?

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From: Katsu

Jackass,

I think it's a good bet that you keep calling me/us gay. Which we're not. So shut the hell up.

Kisses,  
Deidara

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To:PuppetMaster  
From:Katsu

Schnookums,

Can't meet you in the bathroom today. Hidan's starting to think..._things._ And he calls you my boy-toy. Which is _degrading_. No way in hell am I an older woman who takes advantage of younger, sexy men!

Love,  
Your hunnybun.

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To:Katsu  
From:JashinLover321

Homo,

Oh you so _are! _Did I NOT fucking see you _shoved _against the wall with Sasori's tongue shoved down your throat?! Honestly, if you're a goddamned faggot, I wouldn't care, (although Jashin-sama does—you'll be a flitting ghost in the goddamned afterlife instead of where Jashin-sama is) but don't lie to me you tool! I _SAW_ you pressed up against that wall! So HAH!

Hugs,  
Hidan

P.S. _HAHA YOU'RE TOPPED BY A FUCKING MIDGET!_

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To:Katsu  
From:PuppetMaster

Stop with the nicknames. Please. Just...stop.

...Hidan is being a tool again? Jesus.

Dammit, Deidara. Can't we just meet at your house?

-Sasori

P.S. Hunnybun?

..._never...again..._

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PuppetMaster

Asswipe,

Since Deidara forwarded me the e-mail you sent him, let me state this; you saw nothing. Deidara was simply helping me look for my Economics book. You know how much of an ass Genma-sensei is if you don't have your book. So shut up, you don't have any proof.

-Sasori

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To:JashinLover321  
From:Katsu

Jackass,

How could you—I mean, you saw _nothing! _You are an ass who takes pleasure in other people's pain!

Kisses,  
Deidara.

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To:PuppetMaster  
From:Katsu

Sugarbottom,

We need to get Kakuzu to kill Hidan. Or we can get Itachi. Or Kisame.

Or -shudder- _Konan._

We can tell her that he thinks Origami is for pussies. Then she'd cut off his balls and feed them to him. Yes? _Yes_?

Konan scares the _crap_ outta me. And—oh god, when she and Pein form a tag team, _the world will fall to ruin._

Kisses,  
Dei-chan

P.S _HUNNYBUNHUNNYBUNHUNNYBUNHUNNYBUN_

P.P.S And no, you can't come over. Tobi and I (well, just me) have to do our Chemistry project. Of course, I have to hide my Parrot again, or else he'll try to eat it. Woe.

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To:PuppetMaster  
From:JashinLover321

So your Economics book _just so happened _to be located inside Deidara's mouth and/or larynx?

And on the contrary, my friend, I _happen _to have proof. So suck that, shit head!

Remember that LCD camera-phone Kakuzu got me for Christmas because I gave him like, 20 gift cards to his favorite store? Well...video magic, my friend!

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:Katsu  
From:PuppetMaster

Stop it, you asshole! Those nicknames _are not funny and should be hit with a shovel._

And I agree; Hidan needs to be destroyed.

...your ideas are convincing. Maybe we _can _get Konan to go all ape-shit on him.

-Sasori

P.S _You are a douchebag._

P.P.S Oh God, that sucks.

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To:Katsu  
From:JashinLover321

Homo,

_BAHAHAHA _YOU ADMIT IT, YOU ASS! Oh my GOD this is GOLD!

You do know that there's a fan club devoted to you and Sasori-douchebag getting together, right? I'm sending my proof over to them. I will be _drowning _in money. (Until that cheap-ass _whore_ comes and demands some from me _goddammit.) _

So yes.

I'm exploiting this for all this is worth.

_Andgettingbackatyouwhores._

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:PuppetMaster  
From:Katsu

Muffin,

Hidan needs to be stopped. Maybe we can tell Kakuzu he steals his money out of his bank account. Or we can tell Pinky (dear God she scares me) that Hidan said that Sasuke's an emo pansy who cries and slits his wrist. I'm _pretty sure _we can have the both of them trying to kill Hidan. Since, you know, she's a dominatrix in her relationship with Sasuke.

Y/N?

Kisses,  
Your Love monkey

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To:Katsu  
From:PuppetMaster

I hate you.

And yes, Sakura is going to be of _great use._

Good thinking.

P.S _Stop with the nicknames._

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To:JashinLover321  
From:Katsu

Jackass,

I'm going to skin you. Then feed you your skin. And then blow you up. I hate you.

...we have a fan club...?

I'm going to take your phone. Just you wait.

Also, I'm going to walk over to you, and punch you in the face. Thank god Shizune-san is in another room, or she'll bitch at me for 'tearing up her library'.

Kisses,  
Deidara.

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PuppetMaster

Herpes,

You know what? I will shove that phone so far up your ass you will be able to taste it.

-Sasori

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To:PuppetMaster  
From:JashinLover321

Rectal Swab,

Oh stop it, you're turning me on you sexy, sexy man!

And _besides, _I have my phone in a secure place where you can't get it. Haha, fuckers!

So, you see, the meeting between the chairman will go something akin to this,

_Sexy Beast: So, I have this evidence that pretty much states that Sasori and Deidara are fucking each other.  
__Chairman: -will violently jump out of seat, perhaps stub toe-HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT, YOU SEXY BEAST?  
__Sexy Beast: -smirks knowingly- Well...150 bucks and a blowjob. Capiche?  
Chairman: I WILL FULFILL YOUR EVERY DESIRE! -Proceeds to pounce-  
__Sexy Beast: Awww yeah._

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Shut the fuck up.

Have fun!

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PuppetMaster

Bag of douche and shit,

I will reach in your pants, grab out your phone, and smash it into a million tiny pieces.

And then I will hurt you. Along with people I recruit. There are many who hate you.

If Shizune-san wasn't watching, I would jump over the tables and _slit your throat._

Wait five minutes. You will be dead.

-Sasori

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To:Katsu  
From:JashinLover321

Yes, you have a fanclub. And it's run by that fucking rich girl. Shit...I can't remember her name...

Anyway, you and Mr. I'm-obsessed-with-puppets-gawd-I-need-to-get-laid-oh-wait-that's-what-Deidara's-for are going to try and _sexually molest _me just to get my phone? You guys suck as friends. I am hurt by your horrible deeds and...aw screw it, acting was never my forte.

Fifteen minutes until the bell rings and I have class with _a member of the fanclub._ (Can I get a _WHOOP-WHOOP?!) _

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PuppetMaster

Sphincter,

Go die. In a hole. Without a body. Cut off your head and stick it in a hole. Then Deidara and I will blow up some rocks and bury your decapitated head under them.

Oh, _we_ suck as friends? At least we didn't ruin the ending of _Watchmen! _I've been wanting to see that forever, but _no, _you had to be a douche and _read the book, _spoiling it!

Seriously.

Die in a fire.

-Sasori

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To:JashinLover321  
From:Katsu

Scientologist,

I hate you. Sasori and I do not have sex on a daily basis. I mean, _honestly, _you'd have to be an idiot to think that.

...Wait...

Anyway, go take your imaginary god and _suck it._

Kisses,  
Deidara

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To:Katsu, PuppetMaster  
From:JashinLover

At least I'm not taking it in the ass.

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover, PuppetMaster, Katsu  
From:NoStringsAttached

You two _tackled _Hidan over a table.

…

You guys are morons.

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_Yeah...the last guy was Kakuzu, just to let you know._


	2. RE:

_GAH. I like e-mail/IM/text stories a lot now. WHY._

_If you REALLY can't figure out who they are, I'll post it at the end._

_© Kishimoto_

_Sequel time is sequel._

_OOC Hidan is OOC._

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PaperCrane

You got beat up by Deidara and Sasori. Again.

Great job on being a cunt. No. Really. Great job.

-Konan

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To:PaperCrane  
From:JashinLover321

Oh shut the hell up, Konan! Go mack with Pein behind the bleachers.

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PaperCrane

…I hate you. So much.

And how the _hell _did you know Pein and I are together?

-Konan

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To:PaperCrane  
From:JashinLover321

_It's a secret, but I'll never tell!_

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:PuppetMaster,Katsu  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Please do something that will make up for kicking Hidan's ass (which was, by the way, hilarious). He will not stop bugging me and (_Hidan, yes, I know you are reading this now stop reading and back away before I hurt you) _I would sincerely appreciate it if you _did something._

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To:BloodRedUchiha  
From:PuppetMaster

Can do. Would you like his testicles as a trophy?

-Sasori

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To:BloodRedUchiha  
From:Katsu

_OH HELL YES._

Kisses,  
Deidara

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To:Katsu,PuppetMaster  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Nice doing business with you two.

P.S. And yes. I'd like to hang them over my mantle. Sasuke-chan will be scared shitless.

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To:Flytrap  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Zetsu, we're getting together a group of people to beat up Hidan. You can join if you want. There aren't any consequences, seeing as Hidan likes the pain. Plus he can fend for himself.

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To:BloodRedUchiha  
From:Flytrap

Of course, Itachi. I'll join. He killed my cactus, which I had managed to keep alive _forever. _I've been waiting to get back at him.

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:JashinLover321

I'm pretty sure Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, and Konan (and maybe another person...) might be plotting against me.

You _have_ to help me, Kuzu. Our friends _suck!_

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:NoStringsAttached

_Why._

-Kuzu

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:JashinLover321

Uh..you'll have my undying love and gratitude? Plus, Jashin-sama will guarantee you a place in heaven, or Shangri La, or wherever the fuck we go after death.

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:NoStringsAttached

Add about $300 dollars and you've got a deal.

-Kuzu

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:JashinLover321

You _suck _as a friend.

Your suckiness is _OVER NINETHOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND._

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:NoStringsAttached

_I hate you._

-Kuzu

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To:BloodRedUchiha  
From:NoStringsAttached

I wish to join you in maiming Hidan.

-Kuzu

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Welcome to the brotherhood, my friend.

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To:Flytrap,PuppetMaster,Katsu,BloodRedUchiha,PaperCrane,NoStringsAttached  
From:JashinLover321

I _know _you're all planning something.

_...what is it._

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:Flytrap

Shut up, Hidan.

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PaperCrane

Hidan, you're a douche.

-Konan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Go die in a pit of fire.

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To:JashinLover321  
From:Katsu

I will blow you up with TNT. (Dynamite, _TNT!_)

Kisses(!),  
Deidara

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PuppetMaster

Stop interrupting me and Deidara's alone time. It's really annoying.

Also; convert to Christianity. And then get hit by a truck and go to hell.

-Sasori

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To:JashinLover321  
From:NoStringsAttached

I want to decapitate you.

-Kuzu

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To:BloodRedUchiha,PuppetMaster,Katsu,NoStringsAttached,Flytrap,PaperCrane  
From:JashinLover321

Assholes,

It'd be nice if you fuckers _didn't jump me _in an alley and _thank you Kuzu _for leaving your text open.

Hahaha. Blackberry's and their wide screens and—_Kakuzu, you bitch! You just hit me!_

Hugs,  
Hidan

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:Katsu

KAKUZU YOU FRIGGIN' _MORON!_

Kisses,  
Deidara

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Nice going. Retard

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To:NoStringsAttached  
From:Flytrap

Kakuzu, you just _ruined our chance!_

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To:PaperCrane,Flytrap,BloodRedUchiha,PuppetMaster,Katsu  
From:NoStringsAttached

Please, for the love of _God _stop yelling at me. We can try again some other time, okay!

-Kuzu

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To:Katsu,PaperCrane,BloodRedUchiha,PuppetMaster,NoStringsAttached,Flytrap  
From:JashinLover321

You guys are the worst friends _ever._

Bitchslaps,  
Hidan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PuppetMaster

Oh quit your bitching.

(Deidara wants to talk because he is a lazy bitch who won't get on his own damn computer.) _(Shut up, Sasori!)_

Hey Hidan, shut up. We're going to go watch shitty movies with popcorn pizza at Kisame's house. You're coming or Sasori and I will make out in front of your _heathen ass. _

Kisses,  
Deidara

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To:JashinLover321  
From:Flytrap

I'm also going to bring E.T., the game. We can watch his head go up and up and up and then we can kill him repeatedly. Fun is fun.

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To:JashinLover321  
From:PaperCrane

Pein wants you to shut the hell up, we're going to play the Wii after we watch shitty movies. Is that fine with you?

Love ya,  
-Konan

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To:JashinLover321  
From:BloodRedUchiha

Quit your bitching.

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To:JashinLover321  
From:NoStringsAttached

I'll pay you twenty bucks to stop being such a pussy.

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To:BloodRedUchiha,PaperCrane,Katsu,PuppetMaster,NoStringsAttached,Flytrap  
From:JashinLover321

You guys are the best friends _ever._

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_I really like Hidan now. I don't know why..._


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